


Once More Unto The Breach, Dear Friends, Once More

by 2c31h42n2o6



Category: Phan, Phandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:38:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/2c31h42n2o6/pseuds/2c31h42n2o6
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A final moment of clarity. </p><p>It had been five years, and every day Dan came to see him.  He couldn’t bring himself to press the recording button, not in this state.  It didn’t feel right, him not being in full control, so frail.<br/>There were days when he didn’t even recognize Martyn, so Dan knew it was understandable when he didn’t recognize him.  Still, it stung, like a dull ache in his chest that he couldn’t lose.  He remembered the day when the doctors gave them the diagnosis, alzheimer's.  It felt like someone had shot him, worse than being lit on fire, and he would know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More Unto The Breach, Dear Friends, Once More

_ A final moment of clarity.  _

 

It had been five years, and every day Dan came to see him.  He couldn’t bring himself to press the recording button, not in this state.  It didn’t feel right, him not being in full control, so frail.

There were days when he didn’t even recognize Martyn, so Dan knew it was understandable when he didn’t recognize him.  Still, it stung, like a dull ache in his chest that he couldn’t lose.  He remembered the day when the doctors gave them the diagnosis, alzheimer's.  It felt like someone had shot him, worse the being lit on fire, and he would know.

For the first few months, Phil still regained quite a lot, enough to film their last show together.  It’d been a full hour long, the phans deserved it, and it had been Phil’s idea, so of course he said yes.  It was one continuous stream, no edits.  At the end Phil did a lot of crying, Dan felt numb, as though it couldn’t be happening. His first thought had been “ah yes, karma is finally giving out what’s due” but while he was still himself, Phil shut that down.  

_ “I know what you’re thinking Dan.”  He’d said, walking into their kitchen and popping a marshmallow into his mouth.   _

_ “Oh really, become a psychic lately?”  Dan was trying so hard for normal it hurt. _

_ “Doesn’t take a psychic Dan, you know I know you too well, of course I know what you’re thinking.  Please don’t do that to yourself.  Not while there’s so little time-”  His voice cracked and it was painful for Dan to hear, the wind was knocked out of him.  Phil knew exactly what he was doing, and so did Dan, and he couldn’t blame him.  Phil never played that card, and yet, they both knew it was necessary, so Dan let him.  “Please Dan, let’s just, go be happy somewhere, do something.  I want to remember-”  Both of them had glassy eyes, because they still hadn’t had the conversation.  They couldn’t.  What was there to say?  They were both losing their best friend, each in a horribly unfair way.  All that came out was a “Please Dan.”  before Dan grabbed their keys from the bowl, linked arms with Phil, and snagged their coats. _

_ “Alright Phil, alright.  Now, where was it you had in mind?”  It was a temporary fix, a band-aid of avoidance and they both knew it.  Dan knew that the second he believed it, he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together, and so, he was strong.   _

Dan pushed open the door and was met with quite a sight.  Phil’s old red flannel, his old jeans, and mismatching socks of epic proportions.  One was a dinosaur, and the other a pineapple.  His hair was all ruffled, and his fingers twitched to correct the fringe.  It was those few seconds he prepared himself before he was met with those eyes, the ones of his daydreams and nightmares.

“Hello, who are you?”  The question was unbiased, yes, Dan was a.  Dan was a stranger, but Phil, kind Phil, never held an ounce of annoyance for another human being in his life, (that’s not entirely true, because there were several jump scare videos that said otherwise) but even when faced with a situation where he was alone, remembered little to nothing, and was approached but someone he didn’t know he ever knew, he was still the same old, polite Phil.  

“Hello Phil, my name is, Dan.  I’m a friend of yours from a long time ago.  Do you remember?”  Phil shook his head and smiled sadly.

“No, I’m sorry, the nurse already explained the situation and I’m afraid I don’t.  Do you mind if I ask what’s in the case?”  Dan shrugged off his computer case, in it was his old laptop with every single one of their video’s along with some of PJ’s and the rest of the old gang.

“This is my uh, computer.  I um, well.  I was wondering if you felt up to watching some old videos.”

_ “Why do you always make cat whiskers on your face?” _

_ “Meow” _

_ “What does a giraffe sound like?” _

_ “Graahguuhh” _

_ “Ev-every animal makes that noise with you.” _

_ “Zebra” _

_ “Zebra” _

_ “Zebra” _

_ “If you had to lose your leg or your nose, what would you lose?” _

_ “Please stop.”  Dan hit the pause button on the computer and watched Phil wipe his eyes.   _

_ “I’m sorry I just- I wanted to- That was unfair of me.  I’m sorry.”  Dan moved to pack up the computer and be on his way but, Phil’s hand shot out faster than he expected and he jumped at the contact. _ _  
_ _ “I don’t remember you Dan.  I- I don’t think I can ever be him again.  I must have liked you a lot though.  It looked like we were having fun.”  Phil’s eyes looked cloudy, as though there was something important just out of reach.   _

_ “Yeah, we um, we had a lot of fun.”  It took all of his self control not to start shaking right then. _

_ “Can I um, can I ask you a couple questions, about, my uh, well.  My life?”  Phil sounded as though Dan may hold back the information, as though Dan wouldn’t tell him, but actually, they’d gotten pretty good at it over the years, Dan knew this was the easy part. _

“Sure, what kind of videos?  Home movie?  Embarrassing baby picture slideshows?  Did my mum give you this?  Seems odd to give you such incriminating photos of me.”  Phil smiled, trying to get over the awkwardness.  He was at a loss, but was trying.

“Actually Phil, there was this site called YouTube, where people could upload videos of themselves.  You were a pretty big hit actually.  Had a radio show, wrote a book, went on tour.  I was thinking you could watch some of those, but I’m pretty sure if you wanted family videos there are those on there too.”  Phil paused for a bit, taking it in.  Dan let him, as he always did.  Even answered the question before it came.  “Yeah actually.  You were famous.  Millions of people all over the world watched your videos.  Like a rockstar.”

“Where do you come in then?”  That threw Dan off kilter a bit.

“Pardon?”  Phil looked from the laptop to Dan, the brain behind his eyes failing to piece it together.

“How did we become friends?  Were you a um.  Rockstar too?”  Dan laughed.  It surprised them both actually, more so Dan than Phil, who couldn’t remember the last time he had actually found something funny.   
“Er- sort of?  We made videos together, even moved in together and shared a flat for a time.  Well, before this really.”  Phil didn’t have to ask what “this” was.  He had a sneaking suspicion.

“So we lived together then?  Were we um- are we?  Was I your-?”  Phil looked panicked, like he wasn’t sure what to do with the thought that he now couldn’t get out of his head.

“No, no.  We weren’t dating, although I warn you, when you watch those videos, our phans sure as hell thought we were.”  Phil looked relieved, and Dan supposed it would be better not to add anything extra to Phil’s plate.

“Okay, um.  Which video do you think I should start with?”

_ “Dammit Dan!  I know what you’re doing!”  That startled him out of his thoughts enough to actually look at Phil this time.  “We can’t do this anymore Dan we really can’t because I don’t think I can take it and I know this is hard on you-” _

_ Dan crushed all the wind out of Phil with his hug.  Anything that Phil might’ve said died on his lips as they held onto each other.  Dan’s head was pounding and he couldn’t bare it.  The thought of Phil not remembering any of what they’d done together, it felt like he was drowning. _

_ “Phil I-”  he gasped for breath.  “I’m sorry, I know this is- it’s your life we’re talking about and I haven’t been the most- I just.  I don’t know what to do.”  He felt Phil nodding into his shoulder. _

_ “Please, can we just say all of it now.  Before I can’t remember any of it.”  Dan nodded taking on last shaky breath before releasing Phil and going over to the camera.  The hug had filled him with determination. _

_ “Okay Phil, we’re ready.” _

“Wow.  We really did a lot huh?  There are hundreds of videos here, I can’t hope to watch them all!” Dan found himself nodding before realizing Phil wasn’t looking at him and he actually had to speak.

“Yeah.  It was pretty much our job for a couple years there.”  Dan wasn’t sure where to go from there, and the clock on Phil’s wall said noon, so he figured why not.  “Phil, are you hungry?  We could go get something to eat.”  Phil turned from Dan’s laptop and smiled. 

“I’d like that Dan.”

_ “Dan, I’m doing this in front of a camera because I don’t want to forget, you can’t let me forget, please don’t let me forget.  Dan, I love you, and I can’t bare the thought of either of us forgetting actually.  So I wanted to say it here, and have you say it here, so that when I can no longer tell you in person, you can remember this, please say you love me too.”  Phil wasn’t looking at the camera and Dan had the passing hope he would so that he could pause this later and just imagine Phil looking at him like that one last time. _ _  
_ _ “Of course I love you Phil.  I’ve always loved you and always will.  I um, dammit Phil.  Come back here.”  The remainder of the video was Dan hugging Phil, holding on for dear life and whispering little things into his ear that the mic didn’t pick up.  There was a moment in the video where Phil turned his head from Dan’s shoulder and looked the camera right in the lens.  1:48.  Dan knew because he watched it several times a day, and had spent many hours with it paused at that exact frame. _

“So, I uh, actually brought you a little something.”  Dan reached his hand in his bag and pulled out Phil’s favorite brand of marshmallows.

“Really?  You didn’t have to do that!”  Phil gasped at the little bag and thanked Dan profusely.

“Actually I did, the only way the nurses let me in is if I bribe them, figured if I’m bribing them with marshmallows, may as well let you have a cut.”  The laugh that came out of Phil surprised them both more than Dan’s laugh had.  It made Dan smile.

_ “Phil, would you like to do the honors of the sexy endscreen dance?”  Phil’s laugh made Dan smile as he stood up from their place on the floor next to their bed.  _

_ “So everyone, this is Phil and I, signing off.  We hope you all lead wonderfully brilliant lives-” _

_ “And are not eaten by an octopus.” _

_ “We do sincerely hope you’re not eaten by an octopus.  And that you will continue to keep us apprised in your lives.  We care about each and every one of you, and would like to thank you for this brilliant experience.  We owe you each our happiness.  Anything else Phil?” _

_ “Yes, please take care of Dan while I’m elsewhere.  You’ve all been so kind to the both of us, while you’ll no longer be seeing me up and about, do avoid sending him more headless barbies and the like, I won’t be here to scold you.  Goodbye everyone.” _

_ “Goodbye.” _

“Dan.”  The doctor repeated himself for the third time, finally catching his attention.

“Yes, um, sorry.”  He couldn’t pry his eyes away from the room.  Phil was in there, a pane of glass away, on a hospital bed, drugs pumping into him.  His heart was failing him.

“He has maybe three days left.  I suggest you contact the rest of his family.  I believe goodbyes are in order.”

“Yes.”

_ “Martyn?” _

_ “Yes, Dan it’s me, how’s he doing.” _

_ “... Not good.  The doctor gave him three days.  It’s his heart, there’s nothing they can do.” _

_ “Did you call-” _

_ “Yes, she’s on her way.  Would you like me to book you a flight?” _

_ “No I-” _

_ “Martyn.” _

_ “Thank you Dan.  Really, for all of this.  I’m sorry you’ve had to-” _

_ “No problem at all Martyn.” _

_ “You really do love him.” _

_ “Yes.” _

He wasn’t sure he could do it.  He knew he’d never forgive himself if he didn’t.  He’d seen what Martyn had gone through.  

The door was lighter than he’d have thought, but his chest had never felt heavier.  Each breath took effort.

There was a chair by his bed, so he sat in it.  His hand was resting on the bed, so he held it.  His eyes were closed, so he waited.

He felt a squeeze of his hand, and a shaky, voice just above a whisper.

“Dan, thank goodness, I thought I’d never see you again.  At least I know you weren’t eaten by an octopus.  Bury me in my ring will you?  I don’t want anyone to think I’d forgotten I’d married the most brilliant man in England.”

“Just England hmm?”

“Yes well, you know I was always after Gellar.”

“I love you too you fruitcake.”  Phil pulled him up for one last kiss.  It took the nurses twenty minutes before Dan breathing steadily enough to move the body.

“Today we lay to rest an icon.  Daniel Howell’s final resting place beside his long time best friend, and husband Phillip Lester.  He will be sincerely missed, but has finally taken his rightful place where he belongs, beside Phil.  In their final resting place, Dan and Phil will no doubt have many more adventures, we wish them peace.”


End file.
